


sometimes you can even see

by yawnralphio



Series: Fictober20 [25]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, description of fatal car accident, fictober20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:03:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27202199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yawnralphio/pseuds/yawnralphio
Summary: Buck has a rough call, and finds himself going to Eddie.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Fictober20 [25]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1967260
Comments: 10
Kudos: 190





	sometimes you can even see

Buck sat down heavily on the bench in the locker room. The only sounds were those of lockers opening and closing, or the rustle of clothing as two crews changed. Those who were coming on knew what those who were leaving had faced, and no amount of banter could lift the veil of grief.

He stayed there, stock-still in a uniform still damp from sweat. Soot marks covered his face and hands from pulling people out of a burning car.

No, not people - bodies.

His fingers tightened around a dirty stuffed bunny as he struggled to swallow past the lump in his throat. He should get up and go for a run. He should shower. He should get out of his dirty work clothes.

But he couldn't will himself to do any of it. Instead, he sat there until the sweat dried on his back. He finally stood and set the bunny on the top shelf of his locker.

As soon as the stuffed animal left his grasp, he felt the prickling of tears threatening at the corners of his eyes. One rolled down, followed swiftly by another. He wiped his palm across his cheek to get rid of the evidence and sniffed loudly in the deafening silence.

If he was going to cry, he wanted to at least do it in private.

There was no sign of anyone in the garage, and he was grateful to make an easy getaway without having to talk. He didn't know if he could get his voice to work anyway.

Twenty minutes later, he hesitated with his key just inches from the lock of the front door. He realized belatedly that he'd come to Eddie's, not his apartment, and he wondered if it would be a good idea to stay.

The choice was made for him when Eddie opened the door, his face tight with worry.

"Carla, would you mind helping Chris finish his homework?" Eddie said over his shoulder. He motioned for Buck to come inside while scanning Buck for injury. He wouldn't find any.

Buck let Eddie nudge him through the house to the bathroom. He walked numbly into the small room and inhaled sharply when he caught sight of himself in the mirror.

"Strip," Eddie said. He retreated and pulled the door closed behind him with a soft click.

The reflection looking back at him was almost unrecognizable. His eyes were red rimmed and dull, made more so by the soot staining his cheek and forehead. A few smudged tracks ran down through it, evidence of the tears he'd shed on the way home. He pressed his lips together to stop them from trembling again.

Seconds passed that felt like hours, and Eddie entered with an armload of towels and some clean clothes from his dresser. The stack went onto the counter and he turned to fiddle with the taps in the bathtub. As soon as the water was to his desired temperature, he plugged the drain and nudged the door shut with his toe.

Buck hadn't moved.

"I got you," Eddie said over the rushing water. He reached for the hem of Buck's shirt and drew it up over his head. Buck lifted his arms obediently, too empty to be embarrassed as Eddie undressed him. He knelt to take Buck's boots off, and then his pants and underwear followed until he stood naked in front of him. Taking Buck's hand, he guided him over to the tub.

The hot water sent a shiver down Buck's spine as he stepped into it. He lowered himself slowly, feeling suddenly small under the weight of Eddie's almost clinical gaze. The lump returned to his throat and he hugged his knees to his chest, hiding his face until the urge to cry passed.

Eddie reached over, smoothing his hand over Buck's hair to rest on the back of his neck.

"You don't need to stay with me," Buck mumbled, lifting his head to look at him.

"I know," Eddie replied. The room plunged into silence again as he turned off the tap. He reached for a bottle of shampoo and held it up. "Would you let me?"

Buck sniffed and looked from the bottle to Eddie. He couldn't find the will to do it himself, so he nodded.

Eddie stood and shucked his shirt and pants, then sat at the edge of the tub again. He started with Buck's hair and worked steadily down, pausing to massage every now and then. The water got dirtier and dirtier the lower Eddie went, scrubbing dust and dirt and ash and soot from every inch.

Buck sat back and let him do it all. He didn't have the energy or the will to fight it, so he closed his eyes and gave in to the lull of the strong fingers working over his tired muscles. Tears came again uninvited but this time he was powerless to stop them. Eddie's hands moved with a care and devotion Buck had never felt, and he felt stupid now for thinking it was worth hiding his pain from the man he loved.

"They were dead before we even got there," Buck said after Eddie had worked in silence for several minutes. He blinked when he discovered the lump in his throat had eased some. Sitting up, he grinded the heels of his hands into his eyes and sniffled quietly. When he opened them again, the sight of the blackened water made his nose curl with disgust. Without getting out, he leaned forward to pull the drain plug and wrapped his arms around his knees again.

Eddie left one hand on his ankle, grounding him from his kneeling position on the floor. He watched Buck quietly and said nothing.

Buck took a breath and explained further. "Family of five got t-boned on the interstate. The dad and baby died on impact, but mom and the other two kids were still alive. Gas tank ruptured and started to burn. The kids crawled all the way to the back, but they couldn't get the door open. Too little, too weak. They should have made it, but they died from smoke inhalation.  _ Monoxide poisoning _ , Eddie - all anyone had to do was open that door and they would have made it."

Without a sound, Eddie reached over and restarted the tap. He replaced the plug and the water started rising again. "I'm sorry," he murmured, taking Buck's hand and kissing his fingertips. He pulled Buck's hand to his cheek and kissed his palm.

"It's the ones we can't help, you know?" Buck said, his voice breaking. He didn't try to fight the tears anymore; one rolled freely down his face as he sat back, his hand still held in Eddie's. "When we're too late, and sometimes you can even see how hard they tried."

"Yeah," Eddie nodded, climbing to his feet. He discarded his boxers and stepped into the tub between Buck's knees, turning as he lowered himself down. Buck wrapped his arms around him, and Eddie settled against his chest, his head tipped back onto Buck's shoulder. He continued talking while Buck pressed his face into Eddie's neck. "But that's why we always show up. Even when it's hopeless, even when there's no chance."

Buck made a noise of agreement, moving one hand over Eddie's chest to rest on his ribcage. From there, he could feel the steady beat of Eddie's heart. He held Eddie tighter while the hot water rose around them. Once it was up to their chests, Eddie shut it off with his foot.

The bathroom grew still and quiet, filled by only the gentle dripping of the faucet and their breathing. Eventually, Buck loosened his hold and slid his hands up to Eddie's shoulders. He said his thanks silently as he kneaded at knots he knew by heart, and Eddie relaxed further against him with a soft groan.

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you," Eddie complained, but there was no conviction in his words.

"You did, baby," Buck said, a slight smile crossing his face for the first time since that morning. He squeezed Eddie's shoulders and slid his hands down Eddie's arms. After pressing a kiss to Eddie's temple, he let his mouth and chin rest against the side of his head.

They stayed in the bath until the water turned cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [tumblr](https://yawnralphio.tumblr.com).
> 
> Reblog [here](https://yawnralphio.tumblr.com/post/632994389478735872/25-sometimes-you-can-even-see-fox-911).


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